I opened an email from a hospice friend not long ago, someone I hadn't corresponded with in a while, and got the shock of my life. But it was nothing compared to what she was going through.
Long after I read her letter, her words stayed with me. I couldn't shake them. My first thought was to contact her and tell her how much she is in my thoughts, my prayers. But my second? I wanted to give her a chance to share her story, not only to give her a voice as a cancer patient, but also because I believe other people out there will benefit from her experience.
Before you read on, let me tell you that I have already heard further from her. Melody Webster's sense of humor and determination to rise above are still strong. I asked her if she would consider checking back in, during treatment and after. She is very interested in doing that, so expect to hear from her again on my blog. And now, here is what she wrote:
I Have to Get This Off My Chest -- Letter from Melody Webster
I found it necessary to write this so that years from now I could recall how I felt when I was faced with hearing I could have a very serious illness. I have worked in Hospice for some time now and meet many families that are faced with the reality of having a life threatening disease. Always thinking I knew how they were feeling and what they were going through couldnʼt have been any further from the truth. I am lucky, I only had to prepare to hear the worst, these families are living the reality of knowing their final outcome.
My heart goes out to all of them........
We see our bodies every day. We notice every new line and wrinkle on our faces as we brush our teeth and put our makeup on. We see more and more grey hair as some of us try to hide them with color. We see the little new dimple of fat that may appears on our thighs. We touch the little pouch of stomach that may have appeared on our tummies. Some of us pull the falling face up towards our ears and think wow I could looks 10 years younger by having a little tuck behind my ears. We brush our teeth with whitening hoping to have the great smile we did when we went to the prom. We wear push up bras or athletic bras hoping to get a little perkiness in our girls.
Have you looked at your boobies lately? Do they look the same as they always did? My boobies started to look different over a year or so ago. Both my nipples were smashed in when I took my supportive bras off at the end of the day. I encouraged them to come out by pulling and twisting them. My thought was they were just a little tired of the effort to look young and smug. I thought that like everything else on my body they were loosing their elasticity and just wanted to take a break. No more having to put my arms in front of my chest when picking up a pizza in the frozen food section. Those little nipples kept themselves warm and snug by taking shelter in the comfort of my now bouncy, drooping boobs. I succumbed to the fact that my body wasn't what it used to be and some things cannot be changed without a huge bankroll given to a plastic surgeon. I decided then that I loved my husband; he loved me no matter what I look like as long as I always applied a little lipstick before we went to the store together.
I paid attention to my yearly blood work that always came back good, not perfect but "great for a woman of my age". I kept up with my yearly mammograms. Asked the tech if she had seen many women with a shy nipple and she assured me she has seen many. Believed it was again just a normal sign of AGING. I forgot to mention that my nipples were like tortoises. One always finally came out of its shell the other one remained hiding inside refusing to come out even when coaxed by manipulations Iʼm not going to mention.. The refusal of this stubborn nipple caused me a lot of anguish. I thought I had more control over my body parts, maybe not my bladder but other parts.
I spent many hours on the Internet searching for shy nipple syndrome. Everything that came up was very frightening....REALLY! Everything from Inflammatory Breast Disease, all sorts of other breast cancers, the list went on and on. Nipples that had never shown their smiley faces were ok but ones that started hiding later in life were a REAL warning sign that something isn't right. I became obsessed with this nipple. I asked practically everyone I didn't know if they had one. I was too embarrassed to ask people I know about my shy nipple for fear they would think I'm crazy.
Finally it got to the point that after every search on the internet I would clear my browsing history.... didnʼt want anyone to know that I was obsessed by this, especially since everyone was telling me that this was perfectly normal.
One day I told myself there is more to life than worrying about a shy nipple.....take action and resolve it now! Get the answers to all the questions so you can return to a normal life. I even considered having this nipple decorated with some sort of nipple ring to keep it out in the open.
I finally decided to take the bull by the horns or in this case take the nipple by the very small tip showing and demand someone explore fully why this baby wouldn't stay out. I made an appointment with my primary care doctor. She looked at all my past mammograms and confirmed that they were all negative. Upon her doing a breast exam she notice that the breast with the shy nipple felt really dense and it was hard for her to determine if there were any significant lumps or abnormalities. She said since I had been worrying about this nipple thing it may be appropriate to have an MRI. Great I'm making progress even at the embarrassment of shy nipple. MRI scheduled....in a couple of days I would have some answers. Yeah!
Got a call from my doctor a few days after the MRI telling me they saw a couple of masses in my shy nipple breast along with an enlarged lymph node. Recommendation was to have a biopsy. Wow -- reality hitting me.
Was I right all along that something very serious was going on and that my shy nipple was trying to catch the attention of everyone and no one way listening to the cry of help from this little precious piece of skin? Concerned about what this all meant I asked my doctor what the heck does this suggest. Her response was expect to hear the “C” word. Yikes is this really what I wanted to find out? Maybe I should go hide with my shy nipple. She went on to tell me that it was probably stage 3 cancer and that surgery, radiation and chemo were to be expected. "NO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I thought. I asked her what about my shy nipple?
She said the nipple wasn't involved as shown by the MRI.
She would set up the appointment with a breast surgeon so that it would save time. It would be right after the biopsies. I was really worried that maybe I had waited too long. Was I beyond early stage curable cancer? Had it spread to other areas? Was I so keyed into my vanity? Had I pulled the face skin back to my ears too many times to look ten years younger when I should have paid more attention to my shy nipple waving her arms as if saying throw me a life jacket I need help and I need it now! So many thoughts and not enough hours in the day to filter all the information.
I lost a couple of lbs over the past month or two in hopes of wearing a new bathing suite to the pool with my grandchildren this summer. OMG maybe I need those lbs. now because of all the surgery and treatment I'm going to have. My head is swirling. Iʼm too young for this. I need to take an Ativan to make it through the day and wine and Ativan to sleep only a few hours at night.
How will I make it over the next few days before the biopsy? My head is swimming with negativism. Everyone says to be positive for a good outcome. Positive.... Iʼm ready to pay the funeral director now in fear that I will spend our entire retirement fund at the casino to blot all this out. God please help me make it to the biopsy without having a heart attract or stroke...........
As many women before me have done I made it to the biopsy with fear in my heart and a sick feeling in my stomach. Its funny what fear can do to the body. All “systems go” if you know what I mean. When I woke up on the morning of the biopsy I felt pretty good. The couple glasses of wine and the melatonin before bed brought the rest I yearned for before my big day. I was fine till I walked through the door of the building that would inflict long needles in my breast. I squirmed just plucking one little hair I had noticed growing from my nipple in the past. Now several needles would be inserted deep and they told me I could even watch the whole procedure on the screen. Wow are you kidding me. I still remember the scene from Psycho in the shower. I never thought I would want to look at sharp objects going into a body again especially mine.
Well as it turns out there was very little discomfort from the needle that deadens the feeling in the breast but I thought since menopause I havenʼt had much feeling in that area anyway. Everyone at the cancer center was great. They must pay them a lot of money to create such a calm and peaceful setting. It was like a dream where you didnʼt want to wake up because everything and everybody was treating you so kind and so nurturing. I realized how selfish I was to think that I was the only one ever experiencing this. Itʼs not all about me I thought I am one of millions of women who have gone through this.
P.S. Infused some humor because that is how I handle life stresses.
Going home I felt numb not just in my boob but my whole body was in a state of shock. Things like this only happen to others. Then my mind starts thinking about all the families Iʼve met through hospice and I have just about given up hope for cure before the results even came back. At this point Iʼm just tired of ME. I think I went through all the stages of grief in the period of 2 weeks. I had to wait from Thursday till the next Tuesday to find out the results. Was it a piece of cake….not really it was several pieces of cake and a keg. My darling husband must have sent out an SOS to our relatives because my daughter-in-law and oldest granddaughter drove from Calif. to Sahuarita to spend Easter with us. Leaving the 3 other grandchildren and husband home alone on Easter. Wow did I feel the guilt. I was on my best behavior keeping all of my feelings to myself. Only by then there were hardly any feelings left.
I feel the guilt. I was on my best behavior keeping all of my feelings to myself. Only by then there were hardly any feelings left.
Then came the day of reckoning … like the jury had reached a decision and I was awaiting my sentence. I was totally amazed at how hearing that I did have a cancerous mass but it was slow growing and I would receive hormone treatment to shrink it before hopefully only a lumpectomy could raise my spirits.
All the prayers that friends said for me had been answered. I was afraid that God no longer listened to my prayers since I have used all of mine up at the casino praying for a royal flush.
Smack me in the face -- I have had to come face to face with my mortality and it was a scary thing to do. I send my most deepest respect and admiration to those who have had to go through what I have experienced and did a much more honorable job of doing it than I did.
God bless all you women who have fought the cancer battle. I canʼt say Iʼve walked in your shoes -- maybe just in your flip flops.
Love to all for your support.
That's it for Melody's letter. She's begun treatment and is on her way as a cancer survivor. I'm looking forward to hearing about her progress, and when she shares her thoughts on the road to recovery, I will post them here. And again, Melody, thank you for having the courage and gumption to speak up, to speak out, and to share your experience. We're grateful.
