My mother lost her confidence in herself when she was on chemo, and with good reason. She was weak and had great difficulty just walking any distance. But she wanted to drive her car again. She was extremely frustrated that the doctor suggested she practice off-road first, to make sure she would have the strength to stop the car suddenly and to make sure she had enough concentration to keep her attention on the road. One day, I took her out driving. It was a disaster. She had no idea where she was. Her rhythm was off. It was like watching a movie in slow motion. She was close to tears when she accidentally scraped the car mirror on the side of a building. For me, it was rather like taking a teenager out for driving lessons. I had held my breath several times as we came perilously close to objects. The truth was she was in no condition to drive, and it had little to do with her age. It was all about the chemo and its effects on her nervous system.
If your loved one is going through chemotherapy, it's important to be sure that he or she is capable of doing tasks like driving. The last thing you want to do is send someone on the road who poses a risk to the public. Having to tell your loved one that he or she shouldn't drive is tough. There's no real upside to losing your independence, even if it's for a couple of months. Suddenly, you go from being an adult with a life and the capacity of making decisions for yourself, to someone who requires transportation wherever you go and you are forced to rely on the kindness of the people who love you, without really being able to give back. That little imbalance creates a real sadness in a lot of people, and rightly so. Imagine being too weak to do your normal activities, and now suddenly, you actually are dependent on people for everyday needs. For some people, chemotherapy isn't this devastating. They manage to function quite well while chemotherapy drugs are coursing through their systems. They continue to work, exercise, and drive without problems. Others are totally knocked off their feet. For most people, though, the effects are somewhere in between. Different chemotherapy drugs have different side effects. But they all have one thing in common. They are designed to affect the cancer. It's difficult for your loved one to keep that in perspective when it means giving up his or her independence. Your job, as caregiver, is to help balance that sense of loss.
How do you do that in a reasonable way? If your loved one has the energy and the inclination to get out and about, but can't drive, the solution is simple. You can drive your loved one or arrange for family and friends to do the driving. But if you want your loved one to feel less guilty and more relaxed about his or her dependence, make it a social event. Don't make it seem like it's a chore for you.
I learned this the hard way. Sometimes, when my mother was most frustrated, she would pick a time when I had already made plans to do something, and then she would announce she wanted to go out. Part of this was the self-pity she felt. She was mourning what she couldn't have -- the independence to pop out to the store when she wanted to go. But it was inevitably when I was on my way out the door to do something I needed to do for myself. Sometimes, I would offer to take her where she wanted to go hours before I had to be somewhere. And inevitably, she would be late. I would feel myself getting frustrated because it was going to ruin my plans. It took me a while to realize that it was her way of feeling some power, albeit at my expense. That's when I realized that I had to do what I had to do, but I could adjust my plans to times when I knew she wouldn't be able to stop me.
My mother was not a morning person, especially during chemotherapy, and I learned that if I made my plans during the hours she was too fatigued to want to get out and about, I could have my own life and still meet her needs. She seemed to come alive from 11 AM to about 3 PM, but after that, she needed a nap, especially if she had been very active during the day. That window of opportunity kept me sane. I made it to my own medical and dental appointments, got to the gym for my daily workouts, and took the dog for her walks, all while keeping my mother as active and social as possible. I also did my best to help her channel her energy in more positive ways, to help her feel more in control of her life, so that she didn't try to regain her sense of power by thwarting me.
When people are under great stress, they will say and do things that are counterproductive. As a caregiver, you have the responsibility to be the voice of reason, and that requires that you exercise your mental facilities to figure out what that is. Sometimes it's hard to know where the frustration is coming from and what the solution to the problem is. Imagine what that's like for someone on chemotherapy, with your nervous system under attack as the drugs flow through your body in search of cancer cells. Your body is going through changes that don't necessarily feel good to you, and you're expected to endure these side effects without falling apart physically. What about your emotional well being? What about how you feel?
That's the problem with chemotherapy. It affects your body in ways that can be confusing and upsetting, and when your body feels like its been turned upside down, your emotions can run rampant, all while you don't necessarily have the capacity to understand what ails you. Many people vent their frustrations on the people taking care of them. At times like these, it's a good idea to develop a thick skin, bite your tongue, and recognize what you're seeing in your loved one. You have to stand up for yourself in an appropriate manner, so the relationship can regain a more natural balance, but you have to choose your words carefully and appeal to the goodness in your loved one. No decent person enjoys losing emotional control of himself or herself, and when it's compounded by a loss of physical control, it's even scarier. That fear can add to the confusion of the situation. But if you recognize it for what it is, you can help your loved one avoid bad behavior that is driven by fear and frustration.
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