CANCER AND DISAPPOINTMENT

Some families take on cancer as a family issue. It becomes a crusade. Some friends will encircle one of their own and create a safe cocoon through which to survive the cancer. What happens when cancer returns? What happens when cancer spreads to another part of the body?

If I could give those who love a cancer patient one piece of advice, it would be this. You are supporters, not sufferers. Even though you may feel your heart is breaking, it's not your body enduring the cancer treatment or the disease itself.

Why do you need to be aware of this? When you create a support team for someone who has cancer, you must remember this is not a sport. This isn't a matter of trying hard enough or "if only". Cancer is an unpredictable foe. A cancer patient can do everything right, can take every treatment available, follow every instruction, and take every precaution. In the end, it all comes down to how the disease affects each individual.

We love our sports teams and we can be fanatics in our cheering. That's fine for healthy athletes who train and improve their performances with rigorous attention to human technology and sports performance guidance. But cancer is a disease, not an opponent. You can throw all your resources at it and it can still win. Is that failure?

Failure suggests that there is a measure of control over a situation and the performer just didn't master it. In cancer, patients very often are fighting against all odds. The deck is stacked and the cards aren't in their favor. For some, they don't even find out they are playing until that trump card is dealt.

Are you unwittingly pressuring your loved one by the approach to support you make? What can you do to help your love one understand that he or she has your full support, come what may? How will he or she know that it's not your loved one's fault if the cancer returns or spreads?

What's wrong with the truth? What's wrong with saying what is in your heart and your head? "No matter what happens, I'm here for you. Rain, sleet, snow, drought, earthquake, tsunami...."

Well-meaning people sometimes rally around cancer patients and adopt their illness as a cause. We all want to end cancer. We all want those we love to thrive. But cancer patients are individuals, with hopes, dreams, fears, and sorrows. When everything you share with your loved one revolves around the cancer, when you push to keep your loved one focused on the goal of defeating the cancer, that's pressure to be cured. Is that the message you really want to send?

What can you do to improve the support you give your loved one? Be realistic. You cannot wave a magic wand and make him or her better. Real support is created by seeing the obstacles and meeting them as best as possible under the circumstances limited by the cancer.

1. Encourage socialization --
Help your loved one feel connected to family and friends in ways that put aside cancer and concentrate on fun. Don't put off the opportunities to bond. Understand what holds your loved one back and figure out reasonable solutions. Is it fatigue? Is it fear? Is it frustration?

2. Encourage good nutrition --
Cancer patients need to get through the rigors of cancer treatment and that's not always easy. Find out what cancer center nutritionists suggest for reluctant eaters. Help your loved one find ways to get the calories without the stress. And for heaven's sake, DON'T NAG! Nobody likes to be scolded, especially when you feel like something the cat dragged in.

3. Encourage organization --
It may seem strange to say that organization is important for cancer patients, but the stress of the disease and its subsequent treatment can often make it difficult for loved ones to focus. Providing structure and routine can help. Most chemotherapy patients experience predictable side effects, and if your loved one understands there will be good days and bad, he or she can maximize the activities on good days and minimize them for the days when it's important to rest. Fatigue is a real issue and prevents some cancer patients from achieving their goals. It's always a good idea to figure out ways he or she can conserve physical, mental, and emotional resources.

4. Encourage realization --
Cancer is a disease that can be unpredictable. A lot goes into a cancer treatment program for each patient. What does your loved one need to do to give himself or herself the best chance to survive? Patients need to keep themselves as healthy as possible under the circumstances. Physical health matters. Mental health matters. Emotional health matters. How does chemotherapy affect your loved one? How does the disease affect your loved one? How does the stress of having this disease affect your loved one? Help him or her to understand it's a matter of doing the best you can with what you have. Find out what other cancer survivors do to thrive. Help your loved one use what works.

5. Encourage optimization --
Some people think that cancer treatment is only about showing up for treatment. It's much, much more than that. Help your loved one to live each day as fully as possible. What are his or her short-term goals? What are things he or she wants to experience? Create a net of "positivity" around your loved one, highlighting what is successful in his or her life. If your loved one is worrying about what might happen, he or she won't be able to enjoy the here and now. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Live today. Embrace it. Make the most of it. Appreciate it. Build on it.

Many cancer families focus all their attention on the big cure down the road. When you put all your energy into such an enormous project and it fails to meet your expectations, you can find yourself devastated. Focus on realistic steps along the way. Improve family life. Share more. Laugh more. Live more. Find little ways in everyday life to overcome the effects of cancer, and that will help your loved one live a good life despite the cancer. That's really how you beat this disease.