In reality, the intimacy between caregiver and loved one always needs effort. It's too easy to focus on the physical needs of the cancer patient. Many caregivers get bogged down by the inter-related health issues that cancer management can create. There can be confusion and neurological dysfunction created by chemotherapy, leading to difficulty concentrating, short-term memory loss, neuropathy of hands and feet, and a number of other bothersome side effects. Radiation can create its own problems with the skin and the major organs. Even surgery can create long-lasting scarring and affect mobility and motion.
When you are caring for a cancer patient and he or she is not thriving, you're often focused on finding ways to help the patient eat enough to sustain life, or worried about his or her immune system. So many big issues take center-stage in dramatic fashion, and slowly your loved one becomes less the person you know and love, and more the family project. This can create a barrier between caregiver and cancer patient that needs to be removed in order to resume a normal relationship. How do you do that?
What's it like for cancer patients who need care? If you think about it, that's a tremendously unbalancing position to be in, where everyone is so worried about you, your survival is almost more important than you are. Sometimes it can feel like you are invisible because all people see is the cancer in your body. That can create big walls between cancer patients and the people who love them.
How can family caregivers create a better sense of normalcy for cancer patients? It's really quite simple. Make it real again for your loved one. In order to return to that intimacy you once shared, even temporarily, you need to balance that relationship. Put the Big C on hold for a couple of hours. Do something that doesn't involve talking about, thinking about, or imagining that cancer. Let it be about who you both are as people.
-- If you're a parent, help your child play for a few hours. Have fun together and listen to that sweet sound of laughter. Remember what a joy it is to engage in games or to swing through the air or to build a tower together. Have an adventure with your child, even if you don't leave his or her bed. Read a funny story or watch a silly movie together. Let your child run away with his or her imagination and take you along for the ride. Do something unexpected and enjoy your child's surprised reaction. Sometimes caregivers get so wrapped up in being responsible, they steal the joy out of the air. Let loose for a little while and let your child see you are more than just a protective parent.
-- If you're a spouse, take your loved one on a special date and remember why you chose this person to marry. Put the romance back in the marriage in a meaningful way. Remember the days of courting, how you took your time to share thoughts and feelings, or even just to be together without pressure or worry or fear? Emotional intimacy is all about being able to be yourself with someone you truly love. Recapture that sense of innocence and genuine affection and companionship. Discover each other again.
-- If you're a child caring for a parent, make new moments to remember. If you can see your mother or father as a person, beyond the role of parent, if you discover what he or she was like as a child, you begin to see that there is more to this person than you have assumed. Explore what you don't know of the past in meaningful ways. Awaken the sleeping treasures hiding in your parent and it will deepen your relationship. But it also does something more. It gives your parent a sense that he or she still has something to give you, something you can't get anywhere else. Your parent with cancer may rely on you for caregiving, but you can rely on him or her for pearls of wisdom and family history.
-- If you're a friend or relative caring for a cancer patient, remember what he or she was like before cancer. Is this someone who helped you over the big obstacles in the road of life? Have the two of you shared other battles? Maybe you had a romance or marriage that went south. Maybe you had career-busting moments. You two have found other trolls under the bridge. Put the cancer in perspective. Sometimes the greatest gift a good friend or relative can give to a cancer patient is the opportunity to put the cancer away while you do lunch or go shopping or watch a big game. Sometimes the chance to be "normal" again is a real gift.
Cancer patients are often stuck at home thinking about their cancer because they are too easily fatigued to get out and about easily. Adapt the event to meet the needs of your loved one, but do it. We all need healthy outlets for fear and frustration. It's what builds the muscles we use to rise above adversity. When you take the time to work on the emotional intimacy of the relationship you share, you reconnect and rediscover why life matters. Don't be afraid to reach out. And don't hold back because you fear you will eventually lose that love to cancer. Every laugh, every smile, every gleam of joy in an eye is what keeps us going. It's what makes life worth living.
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