One thing I learned as a caregiver for someone with cancer is that you must, as a family, be flexible. Some things are what they are. If you try to continue with family traditions, as if nothing has changed, you're likely to find your plans sadly undermined by reality. There's nothing worse than having your loved one feel more miserable because he or she can't enjoy the gathering.
You need to make an honest assessment of your loved one before you do any planning for the holidays. First, what is your loved one's energy level and what affects it? If he or she is having treatments, when do the side effects kick in? You may find that if you're planning a gathering and it's the day that your loved one is most likely to be affected by treatment side effects, you're going to cause more problems than you solve.
Sometimes changing the date of the gathering is more important than having it on the actual holiday. If you're used to celebrating on Christmas Day, but you know your loved one is going to be wiped out because of chemo, celebrate on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day this year instead.
If your loved one's energy is lower because he or she isn't functioning as well as past years, it's important to take this into consideration while making plans. Maybe what you really need to do is scale back the festivities this year. Make the celebration easier all around.
If you're hosting the party, keep the menu simple, but tasty. It's sometimes easier for your loved one to have a shorter family visit. Have the food ready to heat. If folks are used to coming at three, ask them to come at four-thirty. This gives your loved one a chance to rest before guests arrive. Instead of having lots of hors doeuvres, offer one or two choices and serve dinner twenty minutes later. Put the coffee in a thermal carafe or two, and keep your desserts uncomplicated.This way, your loved one doesn't have to dread the holidays. It's easier to be "up" for a party lasting two hours than one lasting four, if you have limited energy.
It's important that family members are supportive of the game plan and that they understand the need to shorten the festivities. You'll be amazed at how much fun you can pack into a couple of hours when you eliminate the complications.
If you're going to a family gathering, make an effort to gently explain the needs of your loved one and work with your hosts to find ways that will allow your loved one to enjoy the party without being physically or emotionally overwhelmed. Maybe the other guests can arrive at the normal time, but you and your loved one can arrive twenty minutes before dinner is served. Sometimes having the opportunity to skip some of the party means your loved one has enough energy to enjoy the important part of the occasion.
You may, however, come upon a brick wall with a relative who doesn't want to be flexible. Some people insist on following traditions, regardless of the needs of your loved one. In that case, you may have to explain that you just can't do things as you would in a "normal" year.
If the big party is too much for your loved one to handle, why not ask people to stop by for dessert and coffee with you and your loved one? By arranging for the group to come to your home after the dinner, your loved one still has the chance to socialize. Let's be honest. Dessert is usually the best part of dinner anyway, isn't it?
The important thing you need to always remember is that cancer patients don't want to be treated like the skunks at the party. They may need to rest more, they may not be able to cope with holiday stress as easily as they might have before cancer, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be part of the party. Find ways to empower them to enjoy themselves -- leave the cancer behind for a few hours and just have a good time.
A WORD OF CAUTION -- IF YOUR LOVED ONE IS VULNERABLE BECAUSE OF IMMUNITY ISSUES OR LOW BLOOD COUNTS, YOU MAY NEED TO PUT PLANS ON HOLD FOR THE HOLIDAYS, ESPECIALLY IF FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE COLDS OR EXPOSURE TO THE FLU. ALWAYS CHECK AHEAD OF TIME.
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